DAY THIRTEEN: Since I'm still confined by the rules of the fast, I am still counting. I drank grapefruit juice all day and it was surprisingly good at curbing my raging appetite. However, it did nothing to stop me from wanting to eat anything and everything. From morning to night my eyes have been bigger than my stomach and I just want to take a bite of something, anything. Eric made a delicious meal on the grill and I couldn't have any of it. It smelled good. It looked good. I just wanted to eat the vegetables or a salad, but no...I didn't.

I took the train home today and when I got off I noticed a magazine phamplet with the title, "Vegetarian Starter Kit." Produced by PETA and full of celebrities, harrowing scenes of animal slaughter and vegetarian receipes, it seemed like a good omen for my future plans as a vegetarian. I was planning on eating fish from time to time, or as a source of protein, but the PETA people give a good case against consuming fish, "Fish are our fellow citizens with scales and fins...I would never eat anyone I know personally." This coming from someone with a Phd and someone who worked for the U.S. National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration. But all teasing aside, I was convinced enough that I will eat fish only on special occasions, say a visit to a sushi place, and keep it to a minimum.

Other than that, my energy was okay today and I felt thinner still, but didn't weigh myself since I can tell by the fit of my clothes. I am really looking forward to the vegetable stew that Marilyn and I will make tomorrow evening. It's going to be hard not to eat too much, I feel. But we'll see.

Oh, and I thought you would find it amusing that Marilyn simply ate tablespoons of maple syrup all day instead of having the lemonade. And she wanted to go through June! I still feel like I should do some more days, but mentally, I feel ready to come off the fast.

I've never been so excited to eat soup. Or anything, for that matter.

DAY TWELVE: Okay. I went to see Xmen last night and didn't post cause I got home around midnight. Xmen was alright. The cleanse is not going well. I have been bucking the herbal laxative tea (it's so horrible, I can't stand it) for the last two nights. I made it the night before and just didn't drink it at all. The salt water flush is totally gross. I have to carry all my "doses" of lemonade because I seem to get hungry at all times of the day, no matter what is going on. I think my body is just ready to be done.

However, no solid toxins to speak of. I don't know what this means. Are they all stuck up somewhere in my colon? Will I blow up from being compacted? Am I just good at eliminating my bowels in general and there's nothing left? I can't say. I am a little worried about the whole affair, and perhaps I will reference the book for more info.

The good news is, the other indicator that it's time to get off the cleanse is my tongue has been slowly returning to its pink hue, from the edges in to the whitish moldy looking center. This is enough of a sign for me, so I'm certain I will end the fast tomorrow, Juice Day. I get to drink juice for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Hooray.

I couldn't even consume the recommended six "doses" yesterday. I only had four. But I did have mint tea which made my tongue so happy (all sorts of flavors!) and I drank a bottle of water from Starbucks that tasted like purified water rather than spring water. It had a very metallic aftertaste. And it wasn't refreshing to drink at all. Kind of like that bottled water that Coke makes, Dasani...it tastes pretty bad to me, no matter what. I'm not sure if things just taste weird because I'm on the fast or if I just have a sensitive tongue (always have been able to tell what is in things by taste). I've never had a bottle of the new Starbucks water Ethos, so I have no reference from before the cleanse.

Last night Eric asked me if I was still planning on going mostly vegetarian after the cleanse (I have a tendency to make bold declarative statements and then change my mind soon after) and I told him I was going to try for a while. Eric is a big meat eater, always has been. He rattled off a list of tasty meats I've been known to love, and I answered no to each. He didn't seem daunted though, and said, very sweetly, that he would have to learn how to make vegetarian meals for me and maybe someday he would become a vegetarian too. I did remind him of my introduction of the world of salads into his life. This gentle conversation made me feel as right with the world than anything. sigh.

I have to work this afternoon at the coffeeshop, and I hope my energy isn't down, the way it has been the last few days. It takes a lot of effort to clean everything at night. Eric said he would come by after work and help me out. We're going to the symphony tonight (the tickets were a graduation present).

It's the last day of the cleanse!

stine

DAY TEN: Sorry for not posting last night. I was too tired and just didn't feel like getting up to turn on the computer. I was also busy with Eric. We watched a Ghost in the Shell and I fell asleep in the middle. I had a long day yesterday, but today was even longer, went from job to job, just got home, left at 5:30 a.m.

The biggest news about today is that Marilyn wants to be done with the fast. She wants to start drinking juice and having vegetable soup, and easing back into solid foods. I told her she could go ahead, but I wasn't going off until I saw some indicating factors. I don't think I've reached the point I'm supposed to be reaching. My tongue is slowly losing the fuzzy white moldy look in the center. So she said alright, she would stay on it another couple days.

The couple that I always babysit for on Thursday are not excited about the cleanse. The dad is a nuerologist and he was giving me all sorts of reasons why the cleanse does nothing but starve the body. He said I should stop. I told him I will, just not today.

So I am amazed with myself that I've been so confident, enough to stand up to Marilyn and a doctor. And I am excited about going off the cleanse soon. I think it's one of the best things I've ever done for my body. I feel like I have a nice jump start into being healthier and eating better.

take care,
stine

DAY EIGHT: Woke up early this morning and made my lemonade and salt water flush before I left. I had a busy morning full of lifting and washing and cleaning at the coffeeshop. I must have gone up and down the stairs at least two dozen times. By noon I was exhausted and tired.

I spoke a lot about the cleanse with my boss. I was totally bragging. About the fact that it's been seven days since I've eaten solid food and that I have lost over fifteen pounds. My boss' response: Did you check with your doctor before doing this?

I sputtered my lips together and rolled my eyes. I wanted to say, "Oh, did you forget that you don't provide insurance?" but instead I said, "What doctor?"

I suppose though, that this is a normal response from an isolated, insulated upper middle class woman like my boss. It is just silly of her to ask that after nine years of knowing me and knowing that when I go to the doctor, it's because I'm sick, and when I don't, it's because I'm broke.

Anyway, I have had a hard time trying to explain to people that even though I'm not eating food food, I'm still getting sustenance from the lemonade. They hardly seem convinced. But to me, the evidence is apparent, when I don't eat anything or wait too long to eat, I feel terrible. I am cranky, anxious, irritable, and can't concentrate on anything but when the food will come. During the cleanse, I've only gotten this way when I haven't had the lemonade for a long period of time.

But whatever. If people don't understand it, it's not my job to make it explainable. And if I end up in the hospital (which I won't) you can all say that you were right. There.

The other cleanse related item to report is that Eric met me at noon and wanted to eat somewhere. So I watched him eat a tray full of the sushi special at Green Tea, and that was the hardest thing. I really just wanted to reach over and grab a piece of the soft shell crab california maki. But I didn't. I want to finish this and then have all the sushi I want.

DAY SEVEN: I spent the morning feeling hungry and running to the bathroom as much as I could, I forgot to bring my ingredients for the lemonade, and I took the laxative tea instead of the salt water flush. I came home tired and drained, but I felt better as soon as I began drinking the lemonade. I still settled in for a nap, that went longer than I wanted, but I hadn't really slept long for the last three nights.

So I spent most of the day not feeling very well, which is why I didn't write this up sooner. After my nap, I wanted to go to Whole Foods to buy a different version of the "Smooth Move" tea, preferably without cinnamon bark included. I also thought it would be nice to get some groceries for Eric, who was due home from Albany, NY. We were pretty low on food in the fridge, so I thought it would especially nice, since we wouldn't be going out to dinner together. I shopped and shopped, and bought all sorts of things I would have loved to eat, and completely forgot about the tea. But at least Eric had a nice fat steak and green beans to eat for dinner.

Watching him eat the meat was really gross. I don't think I will eat meat anymore after the cleanse. He likes his meat rare, and he eats all of it, even the fat on the ends, and watching his mouth chewing away did not make me want to eat. I was eyeing his green beans, but kept my distance.

Also, felt very chilled all afternoon, as if no matter how warm it was to everyone else, I was freezing. I wonder if that has something to do with the cleanse.

DAY SIX: Today was the hardest day because I didn't have any supplies to make the lemonade, so I had to wait until I went shopping and got home after working at the coffeeshop all morning alone. It was pretty difficult to not pop something in my mouth, it was all right there, the pastries, the extra bit of chicken salad, the trail mix. Anything. But I didn't. I felt the hungriest I've ever felt because there was no lemonade. I tried to substitute hot water and fresh squeezed lemon juice, and it was sooooo sour, but it didn't curb my hunger pains. I drank the laxative tea in the morning instead of the salt water, because Marilyn had given me a couple extra. I also had a mint tea and a bottle of water. But it just didn't cut it. It wasn't until I drank the lemonade that I felt better, more energized, less tired and physically exhausted. I went out for the afternoon with my lemonade in hand, and it was a good day.

Some exciting news is that I have lost enough weight to comfortably wear a pair of jeans that are size 14 that I previously had to pour myself into. I can see that I have lost weight now, and I feel lighter and more energized. I know that half the weight I lose will come back, but even the other half being gone is worth the no eating for a while, and having my system cleaned out.

I couldn't find everything at Trader Joe's, so I had to go to Whole Foods to get the laxative tea. I quickly grabbed a box of "Smooth Move" to cut short the sharp eyes perusing the tea selection. When I brewed a cup before bed, I was disappointed to find it had cinnamon bark in it and it tasted disgusting. Blech. So now I have to go back to Whole Foods and get a different flavor.

The other cool thing is I went out to lunch with Luke (the guy from The Arc) and watched him eat and I was absolutely fine because I had my lemonade in one hand and my glass of water in the other. And I didn't really want to attack him and eat the entire bowl of the sizzling rice soup I encouraged him to get. Hey, a little vicarious eating is okay, right?

DAY FIVE: Today I ate a peanut. Just one. There were two in the shell and I could only handle feeling guilty about eating just one of them. It's weird being home makes it harder not to be eating. Again, the rituals, routines, the things I have accquainted with food are so numerous. And the truth is, I'm not a bad eater, I just don't stop myself enough.

I was at Marilyn's place and she has a big bowl of peanuts just sitting around, from before the cleanse started, and I just kept walking past them and feeling like I wanted to eat the whole bowl. But the "I'll just have one, dear" usually doesn't work with me. I'm an all or nothing girl. So I ate the one peanut, it was delicious (just to have some variety was pleasant) and I went back to work with Marilyn. I didn't tell her until later.

When I got home, it was all I could do not to scarf down the lindt chocolate balls a friend bought me as part of my graduation present. I love those things. that's the best part about going to Borders, those damn chocolate balls. But I didn't. Really, no one would ever know but me, and I'm telling you the truth, I didn't eat them, not even a bite.

I realize now that I just want to do this thing the way its designed to be done, and when we skipped the morning part because we didn't want to be running to the bathroom every ten minutes, I justified the peanut. We didn't do it right, so why can't I have a peanut?

And returning home makes it harder, knowing Eric will be home and will be wanting burritos, meats, cheeses, it's all too much. I have another week after he gets home. I keep thinking wow, two weeks doesn't seem like much, but when you break it down, it's a long time. I keep thinking, wow, I haven't eaten actual food in five whole days.

The weight loss part is pretty amazing. I can tell in different areas all over that I am shrinking a bit. One of the reasons listed for needing a cleanse is when being overweight has become a problem. Well, I've been "trying" to lose thirty pounds since last September and feeling crappy the whole way. Maybe this is the kick start I need to get back into my size tens and my happiness as a skinny girl. Those were some days.

I am very tired and I have to work in the morning, so I should go. Wish me luck tomorrow, alone at the coffeeshop, with lots of pastries and familar habits just waiting for me to break the cleanse.

But I won't. I really want to do this the right way.

cheers,
stine

DAY FOUR: I am amazed that I've made it this long without actually eating anything. I've been cheating a little bit and chewing gum, but otherwise, not a single morsel of food has passed my lips. I woke up this morning feeling tired and achey, but noticed the flab on my arms is a little less flabby. I feel lighter, of course, but the scale says eight pounds lighter and I can't really tell other than the flabby arms.

Doritos are everywhere. They are the devil's handiwork.

The lemonade has morphed into something completely delicious, a blended shake. Marilyn came up with the idea while we were driving and the second we came home, she made it and it was amazingly good.

Today was a little easier for both of us, though we're not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. We went for a walk this morning, then had our saltwater and non alcoholic Cleanse-a-rita. Or Master-rita. We are afraid to take the saltwater tomorrow morning while on the plane home, but apparently the laxative tea has longer lasting effects...

In the afternoon, we went to Marilyn's Dad's former house with a pool and hung out for a couple of hours. Then it was off to shop with Marilyn's step mother for their new house's bathroom. It was fun. We came home late though and had to go straight to packing. Our flight leaves at seven a.m. tomorrow morning.

I keep making plans with people for dinner for when I get back and forget that I've promised to do the cleanse the way it's designed to be done for fourteen days. holy crap.

I keep seeing food and want to consume it. I realize that I have a total consumption thing about food. I eat when I'm hungry, when I'm not, when I'm upset, you name it, I've done it. I hope at the end of this I'll be more choosy about what I put in my mouth and I keep it up for a while.

But I must have one bag of Doritos. a small one.

This evening my energy was up, but I'm not sure if it's because I knew I needed to get the packing done, or the second I had the lemonade, my energy returned. Weird.

In the end, it was a great trip, pretty relaxing, and I got a lot of new clothes thanks to Marilyn's shopping savvy, and it's surprising that it's already over.

til tomorrow,
stine

DAY THREE: Let's just say that this saltwater thing is not cool. It may be good for the colon, but it's bad for the spirit. Drinking 32 ounces is tough enough, but the longer you make it last, the more you have to go to the bathroom. Once the saltwater is down and the lemonade goes in, it's better, but it takes about forty-five minutes. At least it did today.

It took us a while to leave the house today, as a result, but we did manage to leave with extra lemonade on hand by one o' clock or so. Today we were focused on getting to the Salvador Dali musuem, which was just as wonderful as I remembered, though slightly emptier than I remembered. This time I opted for the "docent" (such a silly word) tour, which turned out to be quite helpful. She told us that whenever there is a hurricane on the way, all the pieces have to be removed, crated, and put in a safe place. Last year must have been hell on them. They're on the gulf side of Florida in St. Petersburg. Also, there was a full themed exhibit happening, about Spanish artists, which was pretty cool. The "master works," so called for the amount of time and their size, were all there and they were extradordinary. There was some further insight into "The Hallucinogenic Toreador," such as Dali seeing a box of pencils with the Venus de Milo on them and seeing the bull fighter in her torso. Also, there is a double image of spots and a dalmation dog that I never knew was in the painting. Very interesting how Dali saw life.

After the musuem, we were off for another bit of reminiscing, a view of the Don Cesar, which I also saw when I was last in Florida with my friend Laura. The Don is still as magnificent as ever, and just as salmon colored pink as it was. I don't know why it is so wonderful, it's just a big, dumb hotel, but I think its bold color really sets it apart, as well as the fact that there's only one just like it in the world.

We spent the rest of the afternoon lounging on the beach. It wasn't until we got desperate for a bathroom that we headed towards that big pink castle in the sky. We wandered onto the deck and found a messy bathroom and the prepartion of a buffet for a private party. Oh, the guacamole alone could have sent me over the edge, but the smell of meat cooking and wafting over the pool was too much to bear.

We drove back and went to the TJ Maxx to return some things and peruse the clearance section. Marilyn managed to do what she does best and find about a dozen things that were perfect for me, and a dozen more that she thought were perfect and I didn't.

We then came home and made our own version of the lemonade, in the blender. We are really sick of not eating and fantasized about food all day. The funniest thing Marilyn has said, "I would even lick a dorito, just a lick would be enough for me!"

I have been chewing gum whenever I feel hungry and there's no more lemonade in my shaker bottle. The chewing motions seem to make me pyschologically feel better.

I'm sure there will be more to report tomorrow. We just reread the journal entries of this girl on the web that has done The Master Cleanse, and she said there are solid toxins due to arrive any day now...solid toxins...eeeeewwww.

Day Two

Day Two: We began the day with the quart of saltwater which is meant to help along the laxative tea and cleanse the colon. This is the secret of the cleanse, it does all the work, we race to the bathroom multiple times while drinking the 32oz, and what comes out isn't pretty. Marilyn hailed it The Rusty Fountain.

For the rest of the morning, we drink double doses of the lemonade, with less maple syrup (it was a little too sweet) and Marilyn realizes it might taste better cold. Better is hardly the word for the improvement. It tasted like real lemonade (we had been drinking it warm all the previous day).

Other than that, we sat around doing nothing, shopped, drove about, I was teased by a long lingering look at the pool we could have swum in, and then we watched American Idol...which I still don't get the appeal, but hey, I'm bitter, I admit it.

Then it was off to bed with a dose of laxative tea.

I felt more tired today, less physically peppy, and a visit to Starbucks for mint tea just made me want to cry. I was glad I wasn't able to see the pastries from where I stood. egads.

Day One

I thought it might be funny to keep a journal of the cleansing process:

Travel Day: On our way to Florida. A stopover in Hot-Lanta! (Atlanta) leaves us hungry and considering the next twelve to fourteen days of no actual food, so we are forced to consume what amounts to our last meal, a tray of chicken, biscuits, and fries from Popeye's. We then feel an urge to have ice cream after watching several svelte Hot-lantans slurping it up. A Ben and Jerry's is only twenty feet away. Not surprisingly, we feel listless and tired, we sleep the whole way on the plane and then take a nap for five hours after we arrive. No sign of gators either.

At nearly one a.m. we prepare for our cleanse by having an herbal laxative tea. No strange loosening things to report, though we brewed it weaker per the directions, so that could be why.

DAY ONE: We wake up late this morning feeling refreshed and it actually feels like a vacation until the consumption of beverages is upon us. We are to consume a quart of saltwater each, then ten ounces of what amounts to a fresh lemonade. The saltwater is pretty gross...a sickly taste of chicken soup, and then we prepare the lemonade thinking it will be more grossness. Surprisingly, what sounds like a bad grandmotherly southern folk receipe for lemonade (fresh squeezed lemon/lime juice, water, maple syrup, cayenne to taste [to taste?]) tastes pretty good. We drink it up in no time and we are pleased with ourselves.

Somehow, the fact that Marilyn's dad makes himself a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, toast, doesn't phase us. We are ready to do the cleanse and we won't be deterred by the smell of real, though not good for us, food.

no sign of gators, even though the family lives near a large natural preserve with pond.

We're planning on seeing a movie today and taking two more doses of the lemonade with us--all in all we must drink six ten ounce glasses per day--and I am excited to see the new Betty Page movie and Art School Confidential. We plan to sneak into one of the movies, and again, it still feels like a vacation, which is great, because I was very concerned that the vacation aspect would be lost somehow in the cleansing shuffle. But, it is only day one.

a taste of what's to come

today I read a story aloud to my intro to lit class and dare I say, in spite of usual modesty, I fucking rocked. I read that story with all the power and presence that I have, I read that story with all the confidence I could muster, I read that story like it was the only thing I was made to do and it was amazing.

the people in my class had never heard me read before, and they seemed blown away at the end. and I felt proud, glad, and happy. It was a nice way to end the semester.

"Best Friends Forever"

My name is Gina and my best friend in the whole wide world has her hands around my throat and she won’t let go. It’s not like I deserve a choke, in any way, shape, or form, but Karen--she's my best friend--she gets a little angry sometimes. I pretend that I’m swimming underwater and have to conserve my breath. It sort of works.

The truth is there’s only two things different about me and my best friend. One, I’m calm, she’s not. Two, I’m skinny with big boobs and she’s not. It’s not like I chose to be this way, said, Dear God, It’s me, Gina, can you give me a big rack and make me skinny everywhere else and God looked down at me and said, Sure Gina, you might as well be twelve and be well developed (as my mama puts it) and boom, I’ve got tits out to here.

Otherwise, we’re like two peas in a pod, as my mama would say. There’s nothing we disagree on and sometimes we finish each other’s sentences. Sometimes it feels like we’re twins separated at birth, until Karen pokes me under the ribs and says teasingly, under her breath, “I can see your nipples.”

The choking isn’t very painful. It’s more like a grip than a choke. I can still breathe a little and I can feel Karen’s breath on my face, see her wide blue eyes staring blankly back at me, her billowy blonde hair swaying from the ceiling fan in my bedroom. It’s not like she wants to hurt me. She just wants to make sure I understand.

I’ve never told anyone about how Karen gets sometimes because I don’t want them to say I shouldn’t be her friend anymore. Grownups always decide the best thing to do is stop doing whatever it is you don’t like a.s.a.p. I think that’s pretty childish. We’re best friends, I can’t just stop talking to her. Mostly I love Karen and just want her to be happy, but I know it’s not easy for her. So when she gets this way I just let her do what she needs to do, and sometimes I have to cover for her. The worst time was when she screamed at me at the top of her lungs because while I was brushing her long blonde hair and I hit a tangle and she got hot headed as fast as a fly on shit. She was screaming like she was possessed by the devil or something and mama came running up the stairs with that protective Who’s-hurting-my-baby? look, like she was going to jump on top of Karen and mangle her and I told her that Karen and I were practicing for a new play at school. Karen kept right on screaming and mama said, “I don’t like the sound of this play of yours.”

Ha ha, mama made a pun and she didn’t even notice. I notice all kinds of things that most people don’t, mostly cause I just pay better attention than most folks do. My daddy says it’s the way our people are, but I haven’t met any of his side of the family and my mama says I shouldn’t plan to, cause they are mean people. So I just have to believe him, I guess, but he’s not the most reliable one in the family.

Karen’s starting to come out of her state. Mostly it lasts a couple of minutes and then she’s all like, whoah, what happened? And I just smile and stick my finger near my ear and twirl it around, the international gesture for going crazy. Karen just laughs. She might be a manic depressive, maybe, with her ups and downs.

There's something different this time. Karen's never tried to choke me before. All I did was tell her that I had a bacon cheeseburger and fries for lunch. But see, Karen's mom just made her go on a diet and packed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches made with rice cakes instead of slices of bread. So, I try not to think about it too much, about the way her body is pressed against mine, the way her bulges feel soft and warm, like the thigh of the person next to you on the bus. I try not to think about her fingers on my neck, because then I want to breathe.

I pull a big gasp of air in and Karen tightens her grip. Then, it feels like she has let me go, and I fall to the carpeted floor. She crumples down next to me on the floor and I begin breathing normally again. I watch the way my chest heaves up and down, the way my breasts linger slightly in the air, then look over at Karen’s chest, which is slumped by fat folds and gravity. Sometimes I wish we were actually twins separated at birth, that the two of us were the same in every way, but then I think it’s good that we’re not, because I can handle her when she’s gets into her moods.

Sometimes I wonder if Karen even knows that if it would make her happy, I would gladly give her anything, even trade bodies with her, but I don’t think that’ll help at all. Still, I’m glad she’s my friend even though we’re different.

Karen sits up and looks at me. I see her frantic eyes tracing the lines of my body and I wonder what she’s doing. She just got done being upset. I thought to myself, “Oh well, here we go again.”

“Gina,” she stammered. “Gina,” she said, while pushing me in the arm, “Wake up, wake up. Wake up,” she screamed. "Why won't you wake up?"

wasn't that post a day thing fun? I can't wait to get back to doing that. Things will be hectic for the next two weeks or so and then some sense of normality will return. maybe.

somehow, some way managed to finish all the looming things from last week. dear lord, I don't know how. all there is left to do is a two page justification about a creative project I've yet to do, and finish my english comp paper about marijuana. ; ) My teacher said I didn't even have to bother since I did so great with the two side projects. But I want to write it anyway.

Otherwise, the continual juggle, the breaking of my heart, and working five part time jobs is making me want to hide for a long time.

here's to peeling off the oniony layers of life and forging ahead with the sting of it in your eye.

cheers,
stine

week before graduation:

just found out I can't afford to take out more loans for the summer semester. so I will have to attend classes in the fall instead. while there is a certain amount of disappointment, I am glad to have a little bit more time to be a student and make my way through the complicated world of writing credits.

just completed a twenty page pdf document for a magazine for a class I'm not even enrolled in. [priority checks aside] it was a lot of fun to do layout, editing and design again. I really think it might be part of my calling. though it was a pressure filled last few days, if I had more time it might have been more fun, but I feel very satisfied.

working at the coffeeshop again is absurd. it feels dreamlike and weird. I can't quite put my finger on what, but I guess I had resigned myself to never working there again, so to be there is astounding.

writing lists makes my head feel better. I have seven lists going, one for sushi items, food, drinks, homework left to do, personal grooming, people to call about the party, and the usual MUST DO THIS OR DIE list. I spent twenty minutes this morning writing them all out.

I'll be done with this semester by next Wednesday. Let's just pray I make it til then.

cheers, stine