stripped of analogies (in content, but not context)
Those of you who haven't actually been in my presence this summer will not know that I took up smoking again. It was a brief, but hard and fast bout of smoking, in which a half a pack to whole pack was consumed in one day. I was able to give up the dirty habit (for what must have been the eighth time), some three months later, when I realized it wasn't making me feel any better to smoke.
That was two, two and a half months ago. In that time, I've been out to bars, with friends who chain smoke, and at bus stops with smokers. I even smoked a total of three cigarettes during a combination of the first two instances. Previously, these three activities are what brought me back to being a smoker.
During the last week or so, I have wanted to smoke very badly. It is a pervasive thought. It is fueled by watching other people smoke. It is even triggered by the smell of cigarette smoke in the air.
Usually, in the post-smoking resolve, my mind scoffs at all my attempts to justify having just one cigarette; it is especially stronger when I'm not drinking. Lately, my thoughts seem very convincing. My favorite one is that I will buy some clove cigarettes (which are much too harsh to smoke in the same manner as a regular pack of cigarettes) and satisfy my craving that way.
This morning, when a friend stopped by to bemoan his relationship and was fingering a Parliament Light (my preferred brand) in his hand, I felt my resolve slide. I could hardly listen to him. All I could focus on was that cigarette, and deciphering the multitude of thoughts that hurtled into my mind.
Somehow, I remained steady and did not ask him for one, did not join him, did not buy a pack on the way home. And I begin to realize what people mean when they say that wanting to smoke will always occur throughout the rest of my life.
Sometimes, I wish I had never started smoking. But also, I know that it is just part of who I am and how I've grown up. It is neither good nor bad, just something I learned from.
posted by stine @ 2:16 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
darlin' i hope that you can give them cigarettes up for good. if the feeling comes back to ya. think about my emphysema and how i'll be needing an oxygen tank by my side soon. after 30 sum years, i know if i quit now cold turkey, it'll jus about kill me. but it won't change the fact my lungs will not expand anymore. sucking air with your belly as a motor, is not the way anyone should go through life. especially the young folks such as yourself. i hope you can relate and keep off of them. good luck darlin'
peace, love & happy trails, darlin'
thanks daddy. I'm sorry to hear that the pursuits of your past are catching up to you. I know you enjoyed your good times though!
The funny thing is, I used to hate smoking. And I hate it when I'm doing it. I hate how my hands, clothes, hair and breath smell afterwards, and how it feels like that's all I can smell.
My old roommate told me a study showed that it took women 8 to 10 times to quit smoking. We are just so wired for habits and routines. But for men, it was usually once or twice. So maybe if you did try to quit, you wouldn't have too hard of a time with it....?
Even though I can't relate, I can, you know?
i know darlin'. that i do. good luck on quiting. but as always it is your decision to make. much love to ya darlin'. oooooh and yes i did have my good times. indeed i did.
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