grad school declarations

So, today, while idly chatting with a curious party, I managed to somehow pack my writing career into one perfect metaphor.

As I was describing how I'd managed to discover my strengths lie in the non-fiction arena halfway through my career as a fiction writing student, through heralded journal entries and a class in Creative Non-Fiction, I told him, "It's like you love basketball and play it for years and years because there's nothing more you'd rather do, you watch basketball because it thrills you to see other people doing it, and then you find out that you're not that great at it. Your heart is in it, but you just don't got what it takes to play in the professional arena. At best, you know enough about the game to know when someone else has gotten it wrong, but that's all."

And sometimes, that's how I truly feel about my abilities as a fiction writer. I'm good, but I'm just not that good. And the truth is, I may not even be that much better at creative non-fiction, but I do think that's a good basket to take hold of right now. I have had small successes in my career at Columbia College, but nothing extraordinary. Nothing that makes me feel any more certain about my abilities as a writer.

I will likely attend graduate school next fall, attempting a master's in creative nonfiction. I figure half the year off will be enough of a break from school and homework. And I know myself. I won't write unless I have to. I can barely get out of bed unless I have to. School will be the perfect kickstart for me and my career as a writer. And if I had known my skills veered more toward the creative nonfiction genre, I would have started there first. Ah, but isn't that what college is meant for all along, to give you the time to explore the options to choose from? And it has been well spent, well explored time.

I have started searching out different colleges, and so far, the ones I like best are "tele-commuting" degrees where I send my work via the internet and someone reads it and gets back to me. I love the idea of not departing from my somewhat solid life here. Though, the allure of picking up and leaving is strong. I was born here, grew up here, and sometimes I wonder if I'll die here. It feels like this is the perfect reason to get up and go.

Perfect reasons glint in the sun.