the olive branch arrives

I can't tell if it's a mixture of failure and jealousy or some kind of regret that I have not managed to find that same kind of relationship, but when I came across the news that an old boyfriend of mine has gotten married, I got a little sad. A little welling up of tears happened, and a dribble of tears ran along my nose into my lips.

Maybe it's the same reason that when I unpacked my things and discovered the multitude of items I had packed away for when eric and I were finally able to move into our own place, a similar physical reaction occurred.

The same thing, tears, actual howling tears came when I found my desk date book, the one I used to keep on my dresser, and opened it to find blank page after blank page from June to October.

Who am I? What has happened to me? What is this?

I feel the lethargy of a deep sleep and the confusion of a recently awoken coma patient. And yet, I cannot say that I wasn't here for all of this. It feels like I wasn't, that my life has been upended and I have been dropped into a completely different situation.

As the deep fog clears, the clouds defer, the waters recede, it seems like it is the first time I have been astonished over what my life has become. Before, it was in a state of becoming. Before, it seemed as hollow and unreal as those blank pages of my date book. Now, it has become something.

I look back on those many weeks, months, and see the things I did, the things I accomplished, the life that happened and I wonder how much of it I don't even know about, how much I let slip away because I was too numb to chase anything.

The good news is that I finally feel like it is over. Ending. Has become. And that is good.

And, I am very happy for that old boyfriend of mine and his marriage. They are good together. And they totally deserve each other. I credit my time with him to stoking his belief in his worth and connecting the dots to her love. I did my part. And it went well.