if only I could read minds...

so. I don't know. just when I think I know everything about boys, they all come out of nowhere and ambush me with their feelings and personalities, and make me all mixed up again.

suffice it to say, none of it has been unwelcome. and all of it is good to know.

and, it's a good kind of mixed up that I ponder and view like the night sky, searching for patterns in the stars and changes in the atmosphere.

and yet, I have been dealing with myself in a very disciplined way, school first, work next, followed by the apartment (which seems like a never ending catastrophe), and then keeping my word to the various people in my life who have managed to get me to agree to spend the little time free time I have with them.

and then the night sky arrives and I sit before it, wondering and contemplating and yawning,

discerning:

the emergence of a distinct bear, whose shape looms over my sky, whose presence fills me with pleasure, whose gentleness is only gone when his temper flares,

the lone figure of orion with his studded belt seems ever present, but I find it hard to outline his shape, his points are a little less fine, his stars dimmed...

the sideways dipper whose self is constantly in a tragic and tiresome flux of being filled up with spirits and emptied out...

the gallery of the rest of them, all shapes and figures before me, seem pleasant enough...

another yawn reminds me that all that's left to do is sleep, which is filled with afterimages of my lengthy day and the night sky.

and so it goes.