DAY FIVE: Today I ate a peanut. Just one. There were two in the shell and I could only handle feeling guilty about eating just one of them. It's weird being home makes it harder not to be eating. Again, the rituals, routines, the things I have accquainted with food are so numerous. And the truth is, I'm not a bad eater, I just don't stop myself enough.

I was at Marilyn's place and she has a big bowl of peanuts just sitting around, from before the cleanse started, and I just kept walking past them and feeling like I wanted to eat the whole bowl. But the "I'll just have one, dear" usually doesn't work with me. I'm an all or nothing girl. So I ate the one peanut, it was delicious (just to have some variety was pleasant) and I went back to work with Marilyn. I didn't tell her until later.

When I got home, it was all I could do not to scarf down the lindt chocolate balls a friend bought me as part of my graduation present. I love those things. that's the best part about going to Borders, those damn chocolate balls. But I didn't. Really, no one would ever know but me, and I'm telling you the truth, I didn't eat them, not even a bite.

I realize now that I just want to do this thing the way its designed to be done, and when we skipped the morning part because we didn't want to be running to the bathroom every ten minutes, I justified the peanut. We didn't do it right, so why can't I have a peanut?

And returning home makes it harder, knowing Eric will be home and will be wanting burritos, meats, cheeses, it's all too much. I have another week after he gets home. I keep thinking wow, two weeks doesn't seem like much, but when you break it down, it's a long time. I keep thinking, wow, I haven't eaten actual food in five whole days.

The weight loss part is pretty amazing. I can tell in different areas all over that I am shrinking a bit. One of the reasons listed for needing a cleanse is when being overweight has become a problem. Well, I've been "trying" to lose thirty pounds since last September and feeling crappy the whole way. Maybe this is the kick start I need to get back into my size tens and my happiness as a skinny girl. Those were some days.

I am very tired and I have to work in the morning, so I should go. Wish me luck tomorrow, alone at the coffeeshop, with lots of pastries and familar habits just waiting for me to break the cleanse.

But I won't. I really want to do this the right way.

cheers,
stine