the prospects of dating in the year 2006

As I begin to awaken from the fog that was my life, I see another bleak terrain, also known as the dating world.

There are so many things I've already been encouraged to do...

primarily (and ironically by two people who are my friends and dated each other unsucessfully) I have been told consistently that online dating is the way to go. Having been an internet junkie since the late 90's and having met many people via the internet, this idea doesn't outright repel me, but it does have it's tinges of creepiness. The thing is, if you are online in some community and you happen to hit it off with someone through a chat room or email, great (after all, it worked for beth and ed). But this whole dating online thing just seems like a whole 'nother beast, one that is kind of depressing and sad. I don't know. I guess it just seems weird that if you're a nice person and charming and whatever, you ought to be able to meet people in real life and sucessfully navigate the details of the dating world with them. I suppose I haven't fully formed an opinion on the matter.

So in some effort to see what was out there and how it worked, I put up a profile on The Onion's personals and waited to see what would happen. Nothing did. A few guys emailed me and wanted to carry on a semblance of conversation based on our profiles via email, and I didn't really enjoy the conversations, so it went nowhere and I deleted my profile altogether. I found most of the people on there were fairly intelligent and sounded pretty great, but the same hesitation they have in real life in approaching women seemed to carry over to me, because I got lots of views and no offers. In some cases, I was glad for the pause, in others, it would've been nice to meet some of these guys. And the truth is, with the lack of requests to actually go out, I was beginning to feel like I had no marketable qualities and that's the very thing I'm trying stop feeling these days, so I figured it was time to cut it out. I think the people who are on The Onion personals are not as serious as some other dating sites, but I'm glad I checked it out.

Another thing about dating that I noticed the last time I was single has become a thriving and maddening thing. Dating and hanging out have become synonymous. I have been on so many pseudo dates it's not even funny. And to even begin to wonder if they were actually dates is the maddening part. It gets to the point where I say to myself that it doesn't matter much, but I guess for my own peace of mind and my own internal storyteller, it'd be awfully nice to know. Yes, I wish I could read minds.

It doesn't help at all if he's just being a good friend who is also happy to pay for you, call a week in advance, and pick you up and drop you off...Yeah, to a lot of people that sounds like a date. But when I'm out with these guys, it just feels like hanging out. It's so weird. Now I just say if there's no attempts to penetrate the fortress of my three feet of space, then it's not a date.

My friend Marilyn has thrust two books on me that she claims every single woman should read, which of course, I had never read. It's called The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right & Rules II: More Rules to Live and Love By. These books get a lot of knocks for being anti-feminist and full of manipulative techniques (sounds right up my alley!). So I kind of skimmed through them and decided that yes, they kind of deserved the knocks, but I also like the underlying current of the idea: don't chase men or you will be unhappy. I have been a man-chaser since way back, and it always led to my own disappointment. The men who have approached me and ultimately became my boyfriends were not hunted down by me and I think this is why on some levels, our relationships worked. I don't really plan on doing The Rules, but it had some ideas that I will definitely consider as I traverse the rocky soil of the dating world.

My therapist recommends that I establish for myself a criteria of the sort of man I want to be with and then weed out the prospective men in my life using that. While I think this is a good tatic, there's some things to consider. One, any criteria I establish will simply be an amalgamation of all the things that I am attracted to and all the things I liked in various guys. So essentially, my criteria will read like a hideous composite of Frankenstein. And my criteria will mostly be based on superficialities or fantasy, so what's the point in that? Sure I would like a date a guy who reads constantly, loves to travel, and also happens to be a male underwear model, but what are the odds of 1) finding that, and 2) him being like minded enough to be someone I'd be interested in spending time with? What if he hated Vonnegut or never wanted to go to Paris again? I just think the criteria is a good filter, but it's not really possible to base my whole dating life on that.

The truth is, I think about being single for a while and it sounds good. I have some loose ends with school to tie up before I get my degree. Right now, that's my top priority. I won't have much time to worry about all of this once school starts next month, but I probably still will. I have to get my apartment together, I have to get my stuff in order, I have to start writing again. I have projects to do and ideas for projects every day. It seems more exciting to me to spend time alone, where there is no ambiguity and I can be sure of myself.

I was talking yesterday with this guy Paul at the coffeeshop about the idea of being more alone, but less lonely than ever. I've noticed that even though I am more alone than I've ever been, I don't feel lonely. I feel very satisfied with how I've been spending my time lately. And I think that's what I'm going to strive for. Spending my time well and satisfactorily.

stine