like a husk

To tell you the truth, I have no idea what I'm doing. It's sort of weird because it's not like the world beneath my feet is gone, but there is a gaping hole that I always feel I'm about to fall into. That hole and what stood there before was the most phony part of my life, a place where I spent time pointing out every fallacy I could, searching out the ways that I was not loved, and eyeing the people around me with such vile suspicion that I'm shocked they could see the good in me. That I spent so much time and energy there makes the rest of my life empty somehow, in a way. I find myself mentally mulling everything from that space over and over.

I never knew how it was going to end or go away, but I knew that it was going to happen. I sensed it early on, I sensed that things would be messy and painful, sad and weird, but I didn't know I was going to be the source of all the dirty feelings. They were all perfectly happy and seemingly normal until I came around. That they did things oddly was no skin off their backs, that he was not well, that late nights and booze flowed endlessly bothered no one. In fact, the only thing that never belonged there was me. I never fit in, I just sort of adapted to them and that place and their ways.

I know that in a matter of time these feelings will dissapate and in their place will be some pangs of regret (for just how badly I handled the whole thing) and sadness (for the loss of what was the love of my lifetime). I don't think he will ever understand how much I loved him, for that matter I don't know if anyone ever will, but that is all I can think about. We met each other at a time in our lives when the world seemed like it had conspired to give us the person we were looking for, but we were not the people we wanted to be, not cemented in ourselves and we burned each other up.

However badly it went, however fucked up we both were, however, it was worthwhile.