can I just sleepwalk through the next month?

I know I can't. It would be nice. In fact, while we're at it, I'll take it til next January when my life is really going to be at a crossroads and I'll have to decide what to do with it. This right here, this is just the beginning, this is a little bit of practice, and to tell you the truth, I've been handling it pretty well. At least on the outside.

What stings are the reminders of how little I mean to him. And the truth is, it must have been there all along, seeded, rooted, choking up all the fresh air in the room, because it should be harder to be that way to someone you loved. Oh, immaturity, sure, plays a factor. To offer forgiveness at this stage in someone's life is less full of compassion and more fully of pity. There's a certain amount of eye-rolling present when someone tells you melodramatically the one thing you don't want to hear.

Anyway.

I finished The Catcher in the Rye. I liked it, but there's a part of me that knows I would never be able to identify with Holden's rich boarding school punk ass, even if I was not nearing thirty. So I read the entire book as a writer first, noting what sort of things Salinger was doing, how he cemented even the most absurd things into your mind like the thing about where the ducks go for winter. I was curious to see that as Holden is clearly telling this story from the "recent present" there is little to no judgement for his actions, thoughts, or situations. And if there were, they were brief and served as fuel to keep the story moving along. As a reader, I found Holden hilarious. His insights into people, the way they did things and how angry it made him was hysterical and I could totally relate.

I'm finishing up reading Amy Tan's The Opposite of Fate, a non-fiction collection of essays that have to do with her life, writing, and fate. Tan is a good writer. She has a very self-assured writing style, nothing seems too quick, too reckless, yet it's easy to read and follow.

I've been sleeping more and drinking less. It has led to my feeling and looking vastly better. I think that may have had something to do with the hottie remark the other day. I've been hanging out with my friends, working, etc, to make the time go by. I'm going to have a full weekend doing amazing things, and all I can think of is how nice it would be if he was there. It'll be great anyway, but that won't stop me from thinking that.

I keep reminding myself that it's okay to feel this way. That the utter disappointment from the failure of us is a normal thing to feel. We could have been great together, but we just weren't. I keep trying to tell myself that one day I will look back on this with relief and satisfaction. That older, wiser self keeps telling me it'll all be alright. I will be better for this.