"a good woman will tear you apart"

In case any of you were wondering, I've been doing okay. I have a place to stay, people who care about me and just want the best for me; happiness, love, life, greatness. My friends have been so supportive lately, being with me, calling me, sitting through amazing long philosophical talks with me and reminding me about what a great girl I am. I can't imagine what this week would have been like if Drew hadn't been here to reset my depressed buttons and hit restart. After this week, I truly know who my friends and I can't believe I've spent so much time wasted on people who didn't really give a shit about anyone but themselves.

I have been up to so many things...I saw the Sox play that outlandish high scoring game (20 runs!) with Beth (her 1st baseball game ever!) and Drew (probably his thousandth game) on Tuesday night...hung out with Lehn on Monday and had delicious Indian food on Sheffield and headed off to Delilah's where we engaged in hot and heavy people watching...a bbq Sunday in the suburbs for Drew and his much missed Chicago friends...the Taste of Randolph on Saturday which was at once amusing and frustrating to walk through...dinner at La Creperie on Friday and a viewing of the Al Gore Movie ("An Inconvenient Truth" which was like a big campaign commercial for Al but didn't he already run for president?)

The funny thing is, I spend a lot of time telling stories, relating my opinions, talking to people about the detailed nuances that make my life the way it is, and all it took was one judge to rule it all bad. She handled me like a piece of bruised fruit, pointing out all the bad spots, but the truth is, that is just a symptom of what I do here, there, everywhere, and it is one side of a coin, one way to look at it. The banana just doesn't stay green forever. It does what it's meant to do.

The three things I can't get enough of right now: bright eyes (my sad times music); text messaging (i am so addicted!); veggie tacos from Mamacita's (filled with shredded carrots, tomatoes, steamed broccoli, guacamole, sour cream and lettuce).

I wish I could say more, but I can't. I just feel like an empty vessel steered wrong that's been hastily wrecked. Take a page from her book and make up your own story about it and then patronize me for my sad state.

taking a break

I'm not going to post for a while because I just need to take a break from all of my good intentions and life and not think too hard about why things are the way they are.

I hope you know that even though this is a personal web blog, I never really fully revealed myself the way I used to at bugsinamber.diaryland.com and I probably never will. That part of me died somehow, that part of me got lost somewhere, and maybe it was for the best. Maybe everything is for the best.

I don't mean to sound all melodramatic, but I suppose that's the tone these messages end up taking.

And if you ever felt like there was something I wasn't saying, you're right, I probably wasn't. I was holding myself back. I was thinking of whether or not I should or shouldn't. I was saving the truth from you. I was pretending it didn't matter. I was hoping you would figure it out for yourself.

Sometimes I wonder if anything in life really means anything. Stephen Hawking says we're going to have to leave Earth someday if we expect the human race to survive and I believe him. And I wonder then what's the point of doing any of this? Why am I trying so hard to leave a lasting impression on a world that won't last long? What's the point of me doing this or that? What's the point of pretending I care?

I have said a lot of things about life and I meant every one of them...even if they seemed like conflicting thoughts.

if you have any questions or want to ask me anything, please email me. I can't promise to tell you the truth, but I can promise you that I will respond.

to intern or not to intern

Lately, I've been bothered by the nagging thoughts of whether or not to intern, and where, and when.

This seems to be a fine idea. I would find myself in touch with some sort of place that would look good on my resume. I could do something with this degree I'm so close to obtaining. I could network with other people in a field I'm interested in making money from.

So what's the holdup?

I wonder, is it too late to become an intern somewhere...? Is it really unpaid? Can't I just send my work out and get resume worthy credits that way? Do I really want to hang out at the New City offices and feel lame and old? Is it better at The Reader? Shouldn't I be able to enjoy my summer?

It's probably not too late to walk in or call New City or The Reader and say howdy, I want to intern for writing credits. It probably is unpaid. Sending out my work, cough cough, will take longer than being an intern for two months. I really don't want to hang out with anyone from New City. I've met some of them. They have names like January and Cody. I am lame and old, but I don't have to face too many reminders of it on a regular basis. No one quizzes me about music, movies, or current celebrity escapades. My life does not need the addition of uber cool twenty somethings. I have no idea what it's like at The Reader. I probably still will enjoy my summer...

I think the true holdup is taking the first step, making the call, walking in the door. After that, it'll be as simple as doing the work.

Well, maybe not that simple. Having the confidence to write snazzy quips, copy, captions, and not second guessing myself will have to be there too...

Part of me knows this is the track to enter to do what I want to do. I just also know this is going to take a lot out of me, it's going to test me a lot, and even though I know when I put my mind into doing something, it usually works out...I also know I can make my life miserable with one misinterpretation.

The reason I'm telling you all this is so that you can hold me to this promise: I will check out both New City and The Reader by next Friday. And if you have any other ideas of places for me to intern for writing credits or resume worthy places, lay 'em on me.

thanks, stine

meat sneak

Today I went out to lunch with my boss from the coffeeshop at Fox & Obel (fancy, eh?) and I opted for the green lentil chowder over the chicken tortilla soup thinking I was doing the proper vegetarian thing. AND THEN, the soup had BITS OF MEAT in it. I suppose I should have asked, but it just seemed so unlikely that lentils could be chowdered with meat products. It tasted a little salty and greasy in my mouth, the way canned corned beef hash tastes, but it was also good.

I have already broken the no meat rule. The first and most major was the breakfast sandwich I got at McDonald's because a) the McDonald's is fifty feet away from the house I've been staying in, b) the food in the house was not greasy and delicious by any stretch of the imagination, and c) I was really hungover and I know breakfast sandwiches fix my hangovers fast (figure out the science behind that one for me, Beth...)

It didn't kill me to eat it...and truth be told, it didn't taste very good. I was a little disappointed.

The next foray into meat was lunch for the kids I babysat for on Sunday. I made them fettucine in a white cheese sauce (from a packet) with peas and bacon bits. As I made the bacon, I couldn't help popping a few bites of the warm crunchy bits into my mouth. Bad mistake. Once I got the taste for it, it was hard to ignore. I had prepared myself a veggie burger and spinach samosas, but now all I wanted was the pasta. I ate some of the leftovers after I had my meal and I was so full, so uncomfortably full for hours. Also, I think the bacon and or cheesy pasta did not agree with me. No wonder, right.

Other than that, I have refused meat on many occasions, even lunchmeat (for which I would gladly give one of my toes or fingers for a Jimmy John's or Potbelly's sandwich) and even eaten my vegetarian option right along with others gorging on steaks, chickens, and pork, without any regrets.

life is hard enough as it is, but to do this to myself, I mean, sometimes I just wonder if my reasons for doing this are good ones.

deadlines

so I just realized that I missed the deadline to order the terrible pictures the professional photographer took of me on the graduation stage. Maybe there was a subconscious thing at work there. The pictures were pretty bad. I like the pictures Eric took of me much better, though they are far less straightforward, and as he put it, a little too artsy for my mother. One is just my face in profile before the ceremony, the cap on my head, the tasssels near my temple. The other one is the cap on my lap, the tassels with the '06 clearly visible and my hands resting on top. I also really liked one of a sea of graduates and me glancing back and waving.

I left the task of reprinting in his capable hands, so it should be about six months before I get those out to the interested parties.

Otherwise, I have been experiencing a strange trickle of male friends back into my life. My good friend Adam is visiting from New York for two weeks. And my friend John wants to see a band play with me. I am happy to see them again and wondering where my other in-town male friends have gone off to, Lehn is busy with being a landlord and seems to have completely opposite schedules with me, Pete is busy with managing the bar he works at, and Dan the Man is just all mysteriously gone.

I always promised myself that I would never lose track of them, especially due to complications with the boyfriend. But sometimes it's just easier that way. And I have been so busy. To tell you the truth, there's been lots of time lost with most of my friends.

I hung out with my friend Laura on Friday night. It started out as a couple drinks and ended up being a pub crawl to all the places she gets advertising from. We had a good time and I realized it had been a long time since I just went out, blew money, got swaying drunk. And the last time might have been with her somtime back in February. With school being as busy as it was, I just couldn't go out. I couldn't work as much. I didn't have as much money.

I hope this summer changes all that. I think it's been a good start so far.

stine

more thoughts about food and its hold on me.

Sorry I've been away for a few days. I've been busy working and going from thing to thing. But in the meantime, I've been eating up a storm. My first real meal was the Vegetarian Delight from the Thai Spoon, a pile of lightly sauteed veggies with rice. I've had a mostly vegetarian diet, with a few forays into the milk category, but I've found it's nearly impossible to eat vegan unless I only eat at home. My first foray into eggs and butter was a cranberry muffin. It was pretty good. Especially after vegetable soup for lunch.

Veganism. It's really hard. I think okay, I'll eat a bagel, but no cream cheese on top or butter. Then what? some peanut butter? on an everything bagel?

Then of course, I realized that chocolate has milk in it. I won't live without dark chocolate. I can live without some cream cheese, even my daily mocha (oh glorious source of calcium), but not without dark chocolate.

So I am just going to try to avoid milk and dairy products on their own as much as I can, and eat things I want to eat whether or not they have milk in them or not.

I haven't missed coffee much, but there's something about the habit of it that I miss, but I still haven't figured out an adequate substitute. Mostly I've stuck to iced green tea. Or water.

Other than the occasional dilemma in regards to food (to eat Doritos or not; I did.) coming off the fast has been going well. I haven't had any bad experiences and my stomach seems to be in good shape. The only thing I've come up against is overeating, which has long since been a problem for me. No solid food for two weeks made my stomach shrink a bit, but I have a hard time leaving food on my plate.

Having time off from school has been pleasant, but I seem to be busier than ever with working. Last Tuesday, I got to sit in on The Simpsons class that I had to drop and it was nice to be in class again, but also nice to know that I didn't have to do any of the work or care about the quiz, or anything. The only annoying thing is the guys in the class (and there are mostly guys) sit around and quote lines from episodes to each other. This is slightly endearing a few times, when you're between the ages of 15-20 and the Simpsons haven't been on the air for quite so long...but it's another thing entirely these days.

I'm going to be housesitting for the next few weeks....should be fun. I always like having a break from home.

I've become as bitter as I was before leaving the coffeeshop in just a short four weeks. The people are fine. The place is okay. Kim's not that bad. It's like going back to your grade school after being in high school. Everything is the same, but some things are different. And you can't really go back there. So I've been there, but it's been with such halfheartedness and a sense of feeling overgrown, out of place, a Gulliver being tied down one bean at a time.

I've been looking forward to sushi night on Monday with my brother at the Tokyo Marina (my favorite sushi place). I am not sure if I am going to eat fish or not. I thought about only eating it on special occasions, but that's kind of silly. We'll see. Man, those PETA people really appealed to me through my sense of austere environmentalism. they've ruined animals for me.