where have all the cowboys gone?

Not that this is a new sentiment, but what the fuck?

It all started in speech class. We were due to give our informational speeches on the topic of our Desert Island Disc. I sat in eager anticipation, ready to hear what the young earnest minds of this age are so in love with that they would listen to it and it alone forever...

Aside from maybe three or four unordinary responses, there was an overwhelming majority of disappointing selections. One of the first speeches given was a young girl who presented Dave Matthews Band's Crash. There are many reasons why I would never ever like this CD, among them, the incessantly catchy tunes, the horrific vocal riffs, the tragic and painful lyrics (that is to listen to them is tragic and painful for me).

Funny thing is, when did I become such a music snob? My history of musical tastes ranges from the typical (Madonna, New Kids on the Block, No Doubt) to the only slightly less typical (Bright Eyes, Badly Drawn Boy, Stereolab). Who the hell am I to criticize DMB?

I credit my extreme dislike of this band in particular to the time I put in at Starbucks, specifically the shifts I worked with a man that everyone else refused to work with, because he was white and a shiteater and generally and overall terribly obnoxious. One of those good ol' Chicago boys who swings his arms and his beer gut seems to be in command of his gait, rather than his feet. The sort of man who finds humor in inane words and instances (but not highbrow ones like puns or spoonerisms), loves a good potty joke and has absolutely nothing to say about anything important. His favorite band: DMB.

This just last year, maybe it was a re-release or anniversary CD; to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what DMB CD that SBUX was promoting, but they were promoting the H-E-L-L out of it. And this fucking grinning buffoon couldn't get enough. He would search it out on the satellite radio, as soon as he got on shift, and when the music tried to move on, to rotate, to keep the Starbucks atmosphere from being a rank and stagnant pool of musical mediocrity, he would search more channels of the satellite radio until he came across his beloved band, DMB, which he never failed to remind me of his adoration with the kind of gushing grin that hinted at his knowledge that he was driving me absolutely insane.

So let's just say when this girl in my speech class got up with her DMB concert shirt that she purchased at her 13th concert (SHE's ONLY 19 YEARS OLD FOR PETE'S SAKE), I felt a nausea in my belly that was more connected with that asshole at SBUX than her, but even more so at Dave Matthews for being alive. She spoke of accolades, of monetary success, of fame, and it makes me so mad that such bad music can be so popular. Why, I thought, when an amazing band like Stereolab has been around for fifteen years and a record I first heard ten years ago is still my favorite album ever, and manages to be fresh and original with each listen, why does a band like Dave Matthews Band make gobs and gobs of money?

As the wise owl said in the tootsie roll pop commercials, "The world may never know."

One of the funniest speeches was an enthused girl who loved the music of the Backstreet Boys. She played a video and even danced along for us. It was funny because she addressed the fact that it wasn't cool to even admit that she liked the Backstreet Boys, but she did anyway. It would be like the equivalent of me playing an NKOTB video and dancing along and espousing the simple and less complicated style of the boy band bubble gum pop music. But still, of all the records in the world to choose as your Desert Island Disc?

Part of me knows that when you're in high school (which a lot of these kids recently were), you tend to go with the grain and listen to whatever everyone else is saying you should listen to. During that time, I just didn't really get into any music, because mainstream music wasn't interesting to me at all. I was eighteen or nineteen when I first heard Stereolab and part of me wonders if they just haven't made it to the same musical pinnacle Stereolab was for me. Maybe being in college will open up their tastes and ideas and thoughts.

Here are some similarities I've noted among bad but popular music: Band's name can be acronymed. Band is all one gender. Band is prone to using repetitive lyrics. Band's songs are often indistinguishable from one to the next. Band is full of attractive people. Band has no band. Band performs choreography. Band makes me want to get a gun and go on a rampage ala Micheal Douglas' character in Falling Down.

cheers.