i don't know what to write anymore

I don't know why it is really that when I think about writing here, there's always something else that seems needs to be done, but then, a month as gone by and for me, it literally is just like that, since I've written.

I used to write in the quiet, library like computer lab of the fiction writing department, where I would be in a reverie about my own writing, or avoiding my homework and I would write about something I had seen that day, or something that had happened that day and I miss that sense of awe and wonder about things.

I think I mistakenly decided that this blog had to be entertaining and to be entertaining meant I had a job to do, which meant I would do everything I could to avoid doing it. I'm not sure when it stopped being my words on the screen and became a job, but it did.

Initially I just wanted to have a place where I would write about stuff and people who didn't see me all the time would feel like they were still a part of my life, still in on the action, still up on the news about me...

maybe I just needed to remind myself of that.

the most recent exciting thing that has happened to me has been that I finally finished redecorating my room. I signed on for another year in my apartment and decided that I was going to finish my put off plans that began with painting one wall a bright pumpkin orange (way back in November). The result is very pleasing to me. I feel like there is a place in this apartment that is all mine, and when I look at what I've done I get all giggly inside.

I am looking forward to my hair appointment (which is already this Saturday!) and the resolution of my many months of having my gray hair exposed to the world. I know it seems like no big deal to ya'll, but the gray hair people know what I mean...it's this thing you're always hiding, a thing I've always hidden under dye for years, but to dye it a color I wanted, I had to let it grow out and it has probably had the most depressing effect on me than anything else. I look in the mirror and I see gray, sometimes this one wild hair is sticking straight up in the air and it's a gray one and I just want to yank it. I look in the mirror and I don't really recognize myself at first glance. I have to look harder, focus on my eyes, my lips, my freckles, and then I get over the shock of all this gray (I am well past being halfway gray). In just a couple days, my long wait will be over!

Other than that, I am just working a lot, trying to juggle everything, keep everyone happy and not mess up too much. Trying to catch up on things I've not done. Yesterday I mailed out my taxes! I am so behind on a lot of things.

For those of you who read this who have not heard from me, please don't be mad or think it is you, and reach out to me anyway. I am just choking on being busy and feeling a little lost.

cheers