a morning page

my cell phone is finally back on, thanks to a check from mom. funny though, my cell phone could have been working without interruption had I bothered to look for the paycheck that was siting on my dresser from march 18th. being busy, my birthday and all, my sprained ankle, I just somehow managed to not put it in the bank and forget about it completely. ironically, I noticed that the totals nearly matched; after having put my mom's check in the bank, the amount of the forgotten paycheck and the total she gave me differed only by five dollars.

so why did I forget such a dreadfully important thing? cause myself and those who love me needless worry and strife? bask in a shame spiral the size of Texas? or how could someone so smart be so dumb?

dunno. just happened that way. I guess if I really wanted to search for a reason or something to say, it might be that this is a symptom of my being overly stressed. Over what? it is hard to say. I feel in some instances I am always teetering on a dangerous line of waiting to explode, which happens most of the time while I am at work. Yesterday, for instance, the morning crew left and it was just myself and the assistant manager who has been pleasant and polite with me for months and suddenly all business these last few weeks. We were working a nonstop line of at least ten people, some would purchase and receive their drinks and more of them would come to replace them. I was on the register because he didn't have one (we never work from the same register, that way if you fuck up, it's your fault and only your fault). He was on the bar, making the drinks.

It was the after lunch rush. People eat, feel sleepy, get coffee. Most people in the afternoon opt for the complicated espresso drinks sbux created an industry for, the kind of drinks that have a lot of punctuation, sound like a paragraph and you almost forget how it started by the time they're done saying it. Decaf, tall, nonfat, no whip, extra hot mocha.

I was tired because I had been there since eight am. He was crabby because things were short and stuff was messy. Both very common. I was assisting him with some orders by adding the syrups that went into the drinks and he kept getting upset. Rather than tease me or gently brush me off, he was crabby and just stopped still and stared at me and started to say something but I cut him off and said, "I"m in your way aren't I?" He shot back, "yeah." All the customers seemed to feel sorry, not sure for whom. I went back to my spot at the register and fumed, feeling angry that he could not just relax and have any fun and mad that my hackles were raised, because in the end, I was just trying to help.

I then proceeded to "work down the line" as he kept instructing for the next hour maybe two without saying a single word to him or looking at him or being happy at all.. One customer who I've waited on plenty of times and recognized me said "everything alright?" and I said a quiet, "I'm fine." She said, "More like somber."

To top it all off, I found out later that other people were supposed to be there and were late and that was making him mad too. Finally, there was a point where there was a break from the wave of customers and we were restocking and cleaning and he called me over to clarify why I shouldn't help him on the bar. After an hour deluge of customers, he had nothing better to say than that? I just looked him in the eye and said, "I got it."

We got hit again with people and then one of the late employees came and things were a little less stifling, and at some point he called me over to the bar (and I hesitantly approached him) and he said, You performed well during that rush.

I guess for me it's still weird to work with other people, especially when they are off somehow. I was so used to working by myself at Siena, pretty much all the time, even if my boss was there, and I think a lot that I actually preferred it, even though I didn't realize exactly what it was like to work with other people. If only I could pick who I would work a shift with, that would be nice. Not likely, but nice.

Who's to say that's why I'm stressed? though, you have to wonder...I put in a request for a direct deposit months ago and it wouldn't go through because my boss entered my address incorrectly into the system. When I asked her to fix it, she delegated the task to someone else, the assistant manager, who didn't do it right. When I asked her about it again, she delegated it yet once more. The guy she asked had no idea what she was talking about. She said she would handle it. that was a couple days ago. we'll see. maybe if I had the direct depositing happening months ago, like I wanted, I wouldn't have forgotten my check, I would have paid my phone bill and life would be wonderful, or something like it....