the gritting of teeth

It's all I can do to breathe. I like the steam room because when I'm inside and being swallowed up by clouds of steam and my lungs are filling up with the heavy hot air, I can actually stop it and get up and leave if I want to. But in my life there's no off button. no door to exit. At least not yet. not one that I've made. I will rip a hole as hard as I can.

So I have been trying to quit my job at the bux for a couple of weeks. for some reason though, beyond my reasoning, I am having a hard time. It's no wonder that people simply don't show up to work as a way of quitting. To disrupt the delicate balance in a corporate setting is an extremely tedious and long process. there are so many reasons why I want to leave but in the end, it all comes down to wanting as little stress in my life as possible.

I am taking five classes this semester and the next in an attempt to complete my undergraduate degree in fiction writing. This seems like a lot but imagine working thirty hours a week at a job I dislike with people who loathe working there more than you do and going to school full-time. My class load is an exciting mix of gen-ed requirements and frivilous explorations and I am very much looking forward to the beginning of the semester.

I am taking Darkroom 101 and Foundations of Photography. At first I was a little hesitant to explore my photographic inclinations, especially because of Eric's longstanding accquaintance with the craft...but part of me is just too tempted by the idea of taking a class at my school while taking regular subjects like English Composition I and Public Speaking.

So you know how when you make a decision that you're sure about but you wonder if you really can pull it off as far as the outside world is concerned? Well taking a photography class suddenly doesn't seem so outlandish when I answered the phone the other day and found out that one of my entries into a local photo contest at the park district won third place in the plants category! I have to admit, there was no one around and I ran through the hall and got all excited. And I realized that some higher creative power was nodding affirmatively for the indulgent act of being in a photo class.

For nearly a month I will live in the homes of people I know and watch over their possesions and dearly loved animals. part of me feels very glad and honored to know that I am so trusted. Part of me is scared to mar or scratch or mess up anything in the place, making me a jumpy, nervous, frightful mess. The one good thing is that I am in very close proximity to Siena and I get to be nostalgic for a few weeks and drink good coffee again. Plus the bed is really horribly slab-like and not at all soft like my bed. a bed like that forces you to greet the day wearily.

for the last three days I've had aching pain in the bones around my jaw, almost as if my teeth were constantly clenched together and released. it may be time, finally to go to the dentist.

For all the things I finish and cross off the list, there is another to take its place.

breathe.